The Essence of Space, Time, Spirit, and Buckley's Cough Mixture

I've been given a request. This is a strange thing. Not only did I not realize that my blog was actually being read by people that don't exist solely within my brainmeats (::sigh:: female swedish oil wrestlers) but I was actually just recently asked if I could do a review of some cough medicine. I told you it was strange. I mean I don't really consider myself a cough medicine connoisseur by any stretch of the imagination, although Nyquil does have an almost piquant after dinner texture. ('Course, after enough Nyquil, you would probably enjoy the taste of just about anything, or at least not care about most things in general...this is an effective way of dealing with in laws..by the way)
Have I ever mentioned that I tend to ramble and get off-topic sometimes? If I haven't then...well..I guess I just did. I tell my wife that this is one of the myriad of things that makes me just irresistible, and that it also appeals to her feminine libido. I sleep on the couch a lot.
Ahem...cough medicine. So my good friend Karie has had a cough for like 7 years now, and suspects that maybe she had it pre-utero, but I tell her that if she'd stop swallowing sand it just might do the trick. Apparently she is addicted, because she would just like the coughing to stop and be free to indulge in her deepest, wildest sand consuming fantasies. I figure she's an adult and she says she can stop anytime, so I won't go any further on that subject. Plus I can't think of anything witty to add to that.
I've also had a cough. Actually I just got over a really bad viral thing that made my doctor look at me funny when he looked down my throat and told me to say "ahhhhh". But that might be because I told him it felt like I'd recently stuck a toilet snake down my esophagus. So I was given some prescription meds that did nothing but probably helped put a down payment on someone else's vacation home. I was also told that I wasn't supposed to take any kind of cough medicine. Remember when I said that the meds didn't do anything? I figured pfffft, what the hell do doctors know anyway??? So after the third night of staring bleary eyed at the tv all night long because my throat hurt too bad to sleep (for awhile I thought I was ON "Girls Gone Wild") I decided to try the Nyquil...
Nothing. Nada. Not even a nice dextromethorphan buzz. Needless to say I was desperate. Before I got sick I'd been told about this stuff called Buckley's cough Mixture, that apparently tastes awful but works. I remembered this and decided to give it a try.
So, at three in the morning I hopped in the car and drove to the nearest Wal-Mart to look for it. I didn't find it, and Juan (who was buffing the floor) wasn't much help either. I'm pretty sure he wasn't any help because he spoke less english than a dead person, but then again I hadn't slept for several nights and maybe my brain wouldn't allow me to understand him. It's actually entirely possible I didn't even meet someone named Juan who was buffing the floor at 3 AM. Hell, it's entirely possible that I actually spent that entire night pulling lint out of my belly button and trying to sew a sweater with it using a pair of tweezers.
I eventually got my hands on some Buckley's Cough Mixture. I was excited. Only one store in the city carries it and I felt like I had joined some super secret club that dealt in underground substances that weren't illegal. Sort of like being a member of a speak easy during prohibition, only it wasn't alcohol and I didn't have to hide. Plus it's not the 20's.
I got home and decided to try some right away. Now as you may recall, (unless all this cough syrup talk has given you a major Nyquil jones that you have given into, in which case you're probably not even aware of your surroundings, or the fact that you are no longer wearing any clothes) I was previously warned that this stuff tastes awful. This, as you no doubt expect, will come in to play later.
So the directions say that only one teaspoon is needed. I wasn't sure what to think of this. Does that mean it's super strong and therefore only a small amount is needed to work, or is that the most that the average human being can endure? I decided to play it safe and stand with my feet shoulder width apart, leaning up against the kitchen sink with one hand on the counter to steady me. This way if I were to get wobbly from the shock I would have some support, and if I were to get the heaves, I could hork into the sink.
Thinking all my bases were covered, I warned my wife that I was about to ingest something that I wasn't sure was quite safe, and to have the automatic defibrillator handy just in case. I then poured a teaspoonful and looked at it for a second to make sure it wasn't going to move on it's own, let alone emit a high pitched squeal and leap for my eyes. I watch a lot of science fiction movies.
The time had come, if I was going to do it, then now was the time. I took a deep breath and upended the spoon into my mouth and shotgunned that sucker down as fast as I could. For a split second there was nothing and I thought, "Pffft...big deal...I thought there was supposed to.."
It was at about this point that there was a slight stabbing behind my left eye, and I also noticed a slight burny type taste. That's about the best I can describe it.
Then it hit me.
Have you ever sucked on some of those awful menthol chloroseptic cough drops? Have you ever blended 40 boxes together with mint toothpaste in a blender and passed it around at parties?
I became momentarily blind and suddenly someone loaded a shotgun with menthol and put the barrel down my throat and pulled the trigger. I gasped for air and wobbled a bit. Luckily I was still tethered to the kitchen counter. I started seeing weird shapes behind my eyelids and I swear to the Great Ninja that I heard Oompa Loompas singing and dancing all around me. I reached to make sure that I still had ahold of the kitchen counter and found that I was wearing pink fuzzy mittens that had eyes on the top that were staring at me. I then exhaled quite forcefully as I had been holding my breath, and I exited my apartment via the north wall. I thought it somewhat strange but even stranger than that, I really wasn't too concerned. My mittens were crying "WEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
I floated up and up and noticed the earth getting smaller and smaller. Suddenly I was standing on a vast desert and I was looking at my head which was floating in front of me. It had wings on either side so it could fly. I asked, "What are you?" That is I tried to ask that, but instead I clucked like a chicken. My head looked at me and said, "I'm your subconscious....I've taken over for awhile."
I then tried to ask why he seemed to be so distant lately and he replied, "Well...I DO get distracted easily. And sometimes in the morning when you're getting ready for work I like to....OOOO! LOOK! SOMETHING SHINY!!" And he flew away off into the distance, leaving me there.
I heard a noise behind me and turned around to look. I beheld an incredibly huge snake. He quickly wrapped all the way around me and faced me with giant fangs. His head got closer and closer and when we were nose to nose he quit hissing and said in a voice that sounded like Bea Arthur , "You don't....date much do ya?"
I tried to say "I'm married, I don't need to date!" but then everything sort of melted away and I came to with my wife looking down on me and holding defibrillator pads. She asked if I was ok and I told her I was married.
BUT....I wasn't coughing!! It had worked! At least I don't think I was. I was sort of spacey for the next little while.
I tried cooking my dinner in the dryer, but a little febreeze was all that was needed there, so no harm done.
All in all I would say that after my experience with Buckley's cough mixture, I felt as though I had traveled a vast distance, and peered into places most people shouldn't be allowed to peer into. I felt older, wiser, and maybe even a little more spiritual, having come out the other end of some kind of space\time\subconscious warp where just about anything is possible, and the impossible is more likely to be the norm.
Sort of like some really kickass cheesecake.

Oh and you're supposed to repeat the dosage every 4 hours. I believe at the end of this week, I should be able to bend a spoon with my thoughts.