WARNING! POOR TASTE FOLLOWS!
I seriously believe that my sense of humor has evolved light years ahead of most everyone else. This is because sometimes I will say something so incredibly funny, so diabolically witty, that other people's fragile psyches just can't accept it. While I laugh hysterically, sometimes other people will just furrow their brow in an effort to keep their brains from literally exploding and oozing out of their nose. I think I was born with this enlightened sense of humor, and sometimes, it is a sorry burden that I bare.
Let me turn your thoughts back to my youth, and I shall endeavor to relate the first time that this gift of mine became apparent.
I was a band geek in High School. Except in my school, that made you one of the cool kids. Really, it's true. We even had groupies. I also had a mullet, so I was basically burying the needle on the awesome scale.
I was also in Pep band. Pep band is for geeks who think that kids who take choir still drink breast milk. And if you were a madrigal, there's a good chance that a member of the Pep band slept with your mom.
One of the songs we had to learn for Pep band was "Louie Louie". This was your basic pep band fare, and if you couldn't learn this song in one day, you had two choices: the percussionists could either practice on your face, or you could go listen to the madrigals. Most people chose the face drumming.
The version of "Louie Louie" that we played was by the group, The Kingsmen. Remember that. It's vital to this stupid story.
So one day I found myself in seminary, quite by accident I'm sure. We were reading about two ancient groups of people. One group wanted to elect judges as their form of government. They called themselves the Freemen. The other group wanted to raise a king, and they called themselves the Kingsmen. I know what you're thinking! You're thinking, "Oh Grim...you didn't." Well the answer, gentle reader, is that I sure as poopy did!
As soon as the kid reading said the words "The Kingsmen", my overactive neurons fired off an alert that an impending joke was making it's way across the peaks and valleys of my brainmeats, and would soon be exiting somewhere around my vocal cords. As you can see, I had no control over this outcome whatsoever. In a loud clear voice, I said to the rest of the class, "Hey didn't they sing Louie Louie??"
Silence.
Nothing. Not even crickets, like you hear in movies.
For the next few seconds, I could barely contain myself. My brain was on a comedic high. I marveled at my own sheer genius and struggled to maintain my mortality from the transcendent comedic value! I have never guffawed before, but had I had some encouragement, I might have experienced an actual guffaw!
But no, these slope headed mutants in my class just looked at me as if I had just recited the Pledge of Allegiance in Swahili or something.
I just sorta slunk down in my chair and tried to look as un-genius and inconspicuous as possible.
There were innumerable other episodes like this to follow, but what finally drove the point home was when my wife, as a reaction to my teasing her about something, hit me in the head with a loaf of garlic bread and I told her I was going to call the cops to report an assault with a "breadly" weapon.
Breadly...weapon.
Yes I said it, and I think I squirted Coke out of my nose shortly thereafter because I laughed about it for like three weeks after that. My wife, of course, gave me this deadpan look, turned, and walked out of the room.
This is when I finally came to the conclusion that my sense of humor must be just too evolved for mere mortals.
Sad really. But I take it one day at a time, you know.
I seriously believe that my sense of humor has evolved light years ahead of most everyone else. This is because sometimes I will say something so incredibly funny, so diabolically witty, that other people's fragile psyches just can't accept it. While I laugh hysterically, sometimes other people will just furrow their brow in an effort to keep their brains from literally exploding and oozing out of their nose. I think I was born with this enlightened sense of humor, and sometimes, it is a sorry burden that I bare.
Let me turn your thoughts back to my youth, and I shall endeavor to relate the first time that this gift of mine became apparent.
I was a band geek in High School. Except in my school, that made you one of the cool kids. Really, it's true. We even had groupies. I also had a mullet, so I was basically burying the needle on the awesome scale.
I was also in Pep band. Pep band is for geeks who think that kids who take choir still drink breast milk. And if you were a madrigal, there's a good chance that a member of the Pep band slept with your mom.
One of the songs we had to learn for Pep band was "Louie Louie". This was your basic pep band fare, and if you couldn't learn this song in one day, you had two choices: the percussionists could either practice on your face, or you could go listen to the madrigals. Most people chose the face drumming.
The version of "Louie Louie" that we played was by the group, The Kingsmen. Remember that. It's vital to this stupid story.
So one day I found myself in seminary, quite by accident I'm sure. We were reading about two ancient groups of people. One group wanted to elect judges as their form of government. They called themselves the Freemen. The other group wanted to raise a king, and they called themselves the Kingsmen. I know what you're thinking! You're thinking, "Oh Grim...you didn't." Well the answer, gentle reader, is that I sure as poopy did!
As soon as the kid reading said the words "The Kingsmen", my overactive neurons fired off an alert that an impending joke was making it's way across the peaks and valleys of my brainmeats, and would soon be exiting somewhere around my vocal cords. As you can see, I had no control over this outcome whatsoever. In a loud clear voice, I said to the rest of the class, "Hey didn't they sing Louie Louie??"
Silence.
Nothing. Not even crickets, like you hear in movies.
For the next few seconds, I could barely contain myself. My brain was on a comedic high. I marveled at my own sheer genius and struggled to maintain my mortality from the transcendent comedic value! I have never guffawed before, but had I had some encouragement, I might have experienced an actual guffaw!
But no, these slope headed mutants in my class just looked at me as if I had just recited the Pledge of Allegiance in Swahili or something.
I just sorta slunk down in my chair and tried to look as un-genius and inconspicuous as possible.
There were innumerable other episodes like this to follow, but what finally drove the point home was when my wife, as a reaction to my teasing her about something, hit me in the head with a loaf of garlic bread and I told her I was going to call the cops to report an assault with a "breadly" weapon.
Breadly...weapon.
Yes I said it, and I think I squirted Coke out of my nose shortly thereafter because I laughed about it for like three weeks after that. My wife, of course, gave me this deadpan look, turned, and walked out of the room.
This is when I finally came to the conclusion that my sense of humor must be just too evolved for mere mortals.
Sad really. But I take it one day at a time, you know.
