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Sarah and I went to Lagoon (an amusement park near our domicile) a few weeks ago to experience their "Frightmares" theme. The whole park was done up in a Halloween theme and there were various people running around in costumes attempting to add to the festivities. There were even stage shows complete with homosexual men dressed in gothic vampire garb trying to look masculine and failing. Although Sarah did ask me if I'd ever wear one of the buckled vests to bed. I told her I would as long as it didn't make me look gay.
So anyway we decided to go on one of their newer rides. It was called the "Cliffhanger". Basically you sit in a pilot's chair and a large almost padded bar folds down over you and crushes your snarglies. There are two rows of victims on this ride and on the outset the whole thing lifts in the air and turns you upside down and leaves you hanging there while your legs flop around helplessly in front of you. Then it quickly flips you around the other way while rotating on a big wheel. Then it turns you upside down again and suspends you directly above some water spigots that stare back at you and threaten to squirt the ever lovin crap out of your face. There are least 6 different opportunities you may take advantage of to vomit directly into the crowd below, who stare at you and think, "Hey! That looks fun!"
Now that you've grasped the appeal of this ride, I can continue:
So we climb into our seats and have our midsections crushed by the restraining bar, (which is for our safety remember, I may not be able to father children ever again, but at least I wasn't getting out of that friggin' seat!)
This is when I am assaulted by a smell that for some reason reminds me of my bachelor days. I turn to my right and find a somewhat chunky girl wearing a tank top and a nervous look on her face. (The look was on her face, not the tank top) I am assaulted again and realize that either this girl has just completed a marathon before coming to the park, or hasn't showered in oh...maybe a year. Or maybe both...with some dog poo on her shoes on top of it all....and a dead fish in her pocket.
This is when I realized that I was trapped in my seat by the safety device designed to end my genetic line. I almost panicked. I could not turn to my left and complain to my wife because my head was set back into the seat frame. Well, I guess I could have, but it would have required me to yell to her, and I consider myself a polite guy, even when being forced to endure nasal assaults. So the ride finally started and occasionally the ride would pick up enough speed that the wind would provide me with some relief, but not often enough. I heard the girl next to me start to make some noises like she was scared, so in a wild state of revenge I started screaming "WE'RE ALL GONNA DIIIEEEEE!! AHHHHH!!!!!"
I figured if I had to suffer, so did she.
We lived through the ride and more importantly I lived through the mind numbing odor. Thankfully, after the ride everybody thought my panting was due to adrenaline caused from the ride. If only they knew the terrible truth.
So please, be courteous when going to an amusement park. Take a freakin' shower before you go for the sake of the poor sap that might be forced to sit next to you. And if that doesn't work, please warn the person next to you to get the hell out of the chair before he's trapped there for good and is forced to endure your odorous wrath.
All in all, I did take a bit of wisdom home with me that day. I even made Sarah take a picture of it:
