SPEAKING AS A MAN, I'M REALLY TIRED OF ALL THE MUCOUS.

WARNING! BAD TASTE FOLLOWS.

I consider myself well versed in all things tough, manly and or macho. Or at least, I've seen pictures in magazines.
I am aware of the need for most men to strut around, peacock-like, to not only attract the opposite sex, but to also attempt to tell other men that he has a bigger penis which is somehow supposedly linked to the size, and sheer obnoxiousness of his personal vehicle, and or dress and taste in music.
This is fine. It confuses me, but this is fine.
So, speaking as a fellow member of the club, I respectfully submit my request to all other guys out there, to stop with the damn spitting. I've noticed that that this mostly applies to smokers, which is understandable to a certain degree. You get tobacco in your mouth, you gotta spit it out. Fine. But don't stand there and create a small pond, ok? The rest of us don't want to walk through that shit on our way into work.
By far the worst is the men's bathroom. Why does my fellow man feel the need to hock into the urinal before using it? Seriously, this is disgusting, and public bathrooms already are unpleasant enough.
I thought for awhile that maybe this was a fad or maybe even some new way of throwing gang signs, and hoped that it would just sort of fade away, much like Paris Hilton. (Hoping!) However, several years later after first noticing this, guys are still spitting into urinals before using them. I'm sorry, I don't get it and it makes me rather ill. I have yet to see a target when I have looked down into a urinal, so I don't think it's about marksmanship, either. Besides...err...wouldn't you rather aim a flamethrower at a target rather than a single shot pellet gun? (Look, it's a weak simile, I admit that, but then again it's also 12:30 AM and the spamballs aren't settling well. Ok just picture something similar and we'll both be happy and be ready to move on, alright? Jeez.)
And guys do this in front of their wives and girlfriends too, I've noticed. What is this guy thinking?
"Hmmm...I haven't done anything to impress her yet for this hour. Better get on that..."
SSNNNGGKKKKKK.......THOO!
And then he looks around as if his guy friends are gonna look at him and say, "Doood! WOW! I bet you could bench press Canada!"


This is when the guy thinks about turning to his girl and saying, "So you hot now or what?"


Sadly, I have met women who I think are actually turned on by this behavior. Paris Hilton, maybe? (Haven't met her.)


Is this too much to ask, really? Come on guys, most of us have now managed to mostly keep our crotch scratching under control while in the midst of the general public. We invented the "one cheek sneak", and the soundless burp (even if it's no fun) so can we please, PLEASE do away with this???
I can't tell you how tired I am of sitting in the bathroom, minding my own well-mannered business, when suddenly I'm assaulted with:
NGNNGGGGKKKKK!!!.....THOO!




"DOOOOD!"




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Listening to: The Thrillseekers - Nightmusic Volume 3
via FoxyTunes

Why I don't sleep

Another short one here.
I have dreamed of zombies. I have dreamed of flying body parts. I have dreamed of ghosts, monsters, and flying zombies who have flying body parts.
And I once dreamed that I was a woman named Frieda.
But nothing, and I mean nothing prepared me for when I saw the following clip, and saw proof that the thing of nightmares is very real and lives deep in the ocean. I figure, I will share my pain because I'm a vindictive jerk like that:



If these things decide that humans look like they'd taste pretty good, and figure out how to use firearms, we're screwed.
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Listening to: Bluetech - Alchemie Dub
via FoxyTunes

Ah Bumhug!

WARNING!! DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE IN THE THROES OF CHRISTMAS CHEER! 

Maybe it's the fact that I've been coughing my brains out for the past week, or the fact that when they were passing out REAL jobs, I was out playing paintball and therefore have been consigned to work on Christmas morning ( I didn't want to watch the kids open presents in the morning anyway, I mean what father would?) but I gotta tell ya I'm not really feeling it this year. Hopefully that changes this week, but we'll see. 
  I'd really like someone to tell me why people save up their ignorance and stupidity for the holiday season. Think about it...when do people behave the worst? Yup, Christmas through New Year's. You don't want to drive anywhere for fear of getting rammed by some jackass who is on a freakin' MISSION to find little Davey the very last Nintendo Wii in the northern hemisphere. You certainly don't want to go into any discount type stores, because the roving bands of screaming and parentless children just might devour you. And all the while, what is the only thing playing on the radio?? Commercials done to the already annoying tunes of children's christmas songs....the same ones I hated when I was little. (Someone please find the guy who writes the Garmin commercials and set him on fire, thank you)
Would you like to know what my favorite Christmas memory is as a child? Well I'll tell you anyway: Lying on the frontroom couch in the dark, watching the lights change color on the Christmas tree while it was snowing outside. All the while I was surrounded by utter and complete silence. I wasn't that concerned about what was or wasn't going to be under the Christmas tree, I didn't have to be anywhere or do anything. I could merely lay there and think about the season itself, I guess. I'm not going to tell you that I lay there and contemplated the true meaning of Christmas, about the birth of Our Saviour and how I would honor it this year, etc...etc. I was a kid...and I guess I wish I still could be, in some ways anyway.
I guess if I were to get a Christmas wish, I would wish that the everyday barrage of noise that beats us about the head 24 hours a day would be silenced just for the last 2 weeks of December. No car doors slamming, no screaming neighbors, no politics, no commercials. Maybe then we actually COULD contemplate the "true meaning of Christmas" and more importantly the birth of our Savior, as well as have a little time to breathe before we're thrust into a new year of it starting all over again.
So Santa, I guess what I really want for Christmas, is merely a return to a simpler time.
Either that, or Marissa Miller.