Friday, October 14, 2011

I have everything.

   I was reminded tonight that I have absolutely nothing in my life to complain about. I am a selfish jackass for even thinking of whining over things that don't go my way, my job, my schooling. My entire life and everything in it is a gift and I cannot fathom how I could be worthy of it. I sit here shaking as I type this. I am overwhelmed at what I have been given and disappointed in myself that I could look at all that I have and not see the miracle of it.
   I experienced horror tonight. For some reason I was thinking about friends that I had gone with to High School and decided to search around a little. I found the facebook page of one: a friend from my band geek days. Her page was filled with people expressing sympathy and heartfelt expressions. Someone asked her what the address was for her blog, as she wanted to follow what was going on. I looked up my old friend's blog and began to read about her husband's battle with cancer. She has posted pictures from day one and has kept the blog for over a year now.
   She, along with the rest of her family, is brave and faithful. She writes about her husband being unable to speak, losing his mind, alternately crying and praying to God to take him, and then being filled with rage that comes from nowhere and is taken out on his family. She writes about her husband whispering to God over and over to help him face the pain, while she holds him and tells him that God is already helping.
   Absolute horror.
   I thought myself to be somewhat enlightened, as to what really matters in life. My beautiful wife who puts up with me, and has agreed to be by my side for eternity, come what may. My treasure, my little boy who meets me at the door when I get home from work and tells me that he's so very glad that I'm home. My stepson who, at times, I don't know how to relate to him, but I try to be a good for him though I fail as often as not.
   But trying to put myself in my friend's shoes was too much for me. Darkness, dread, terror and horror.
   I have no right to be unhappy. I have no right to complain. My life is a dream.